Today, all the kids are back in school. (long deep breath.) After sending Chad and Kate out the door this morning I decided I needed to go back to bed. After all, I felt I had earned it having them home for 3 weeks. I caught a glimpse of myself in a reflection of the kitchen window as i was packing lunches at 6 am. I had to quickly smooth down my pillow permed hair and hide my puffy eyes and worn out expression from my kids. ( Uhg I looked awful!) I thought about how tired and achy I was, and wished I could wake up like some other people I know, all refreshed and ready for the day. I thought the same things I always think that early in the morning like, " Is this all really necessary? This whole school thing, eating thing, seminary thing....life thing. ugh. Can't it all wait until 9am!" But, I muddled through and everyone was gone by 8:30. I contemplated the gym, the diet, the bills, the messy house, the talk for next Sunday, the... no toilet paper... and bed was sounding better and better. And, however, the no toilet paper thing was the best motivation to get in the shower, I still flopped down back in bed to sleep away the morning to the sound of the sweet chirping birds out my bedroom window.
I'm not sure what came over me but I couldn't sleep and before I knew it I was in my sweats and out the door for a 3 mile hike/walk. It's probably more like a walk for most, but considering the demons I wrestle to get myself out there and the the steep hill I walk up, I like to think of it more like a hike. Besides it makes it sound so much more cool and rugged. (It's totally not, just a civilized white sidewalk all the way.) After a brief temptation to take the short cut home only 1/4 mile into it, I started up the steep hill... Oh, wait, I mean the steep rugged terrain! I realized I left in a rush and forgot my ipod, (let alone my make-up, combed hair and well...dignity.) So I was alone with my thoughts. I was thinking about how I have a tendency to sometimes quit making progress in life because I am afraid I might not be "putting my best foot forward" so to speak. Or I don't commit to try something new because I might fail or not reach my ultimate goal, and have to realize that I'm not good at something, and frankly, who wants to be reminded all the time of what they stink at! If I'm in charge of something... like kids, house, or, lets just say an event, I want it to be "the best" it can be. I'm not wanting it to be anything less. That is a lot of work and stress to take on. So I always measure it and weigh it out heavily before I commit. once I do, I am driven and I will stop and nothing to go after what it is we want to accomplish until it is completely finished (and tied with a bow). It can be rewarding. But the problem is, when I know there is something I should be doing in my life, but, know I won't be able to do it to 110% I shy away from it. I hold myself back and don't want to even try, out of fear that I will fail and disappoint myself or even worse, let down someone I love. So on this walk, up the steepest part of the hill, I was realizing that for sure, today.... I'm not "putting my best foot forward", in fact... I even had dirty socks on! (somehow I managed to wash everyone else's clothes except mine.) I didn't want to work out today, because I knew it was half hearted and I really am not completely committed yet to being in shape. I don't know if I have it in me, to care enough, to really do it, and do it right! But here I was, putting one foot in front of the other slowly climbing to the top of the hill, however unplanned and messy it was, I was there, just doing it, half-hearted and in dirty socks... but I was there. I was realizing all the other "steep hills" I have in my life. Spiritually speaking and in my relationships, and realizing that if I just put one foot in front of the other, even if it's half hearted, I'll eventually get to the top of those hills too. Most of those actually feel more like mountains. Daunting, rugged, no-carved-out-trial-mountains, covered in slippery ice and snow mountains! I guess I learned today that it's ok to just try. Even if i can't even try my best. Even if I suck at it and everyone finds out i stink at it. I can be ok with that. Well... i think I can be ok with that... But maybe if I was super skinny while I stunk at stuff, THEN I could be ok with that. I drive myself crazy. Shoot me now!
