My Chad

My Chad.  He is 11.  OH so 11;  can't sit still, hates doing errands that take him away from his video games, hates taking showers,  and is starting to be much more vocal about his opinion (and injustice) , but is the most loving 11 year old boy I know.  He is just weeks away from turning 12 now and he is looking forward to moving out of primary at church and on to mutual night with the big kids.  I'm not sure how he could be turning 12 because it was just recently that he was a baby smiling from ear to ear and toddler playing with hot wheels and a tiny boy hooking our office chair up to the back of his bike and giving rides to the neighbor kids over his jump, for fun.  He loves being busy and loves being outside and has since he was a baby.  He use pull himself up to the front window of our house when he was just learning how to walk and cry as he watched the older kids play outside as if to say, "Hey, I'm missing all the fun in here.  No fair."  I use to race through my chores early so I could sit out in front with him and let him play when the big kids got home from school.  He would stand on the curb and holler at the older kids on their scooters until they let him have a ride or let him play on their scooter for a while.  It actually got so bad at one point that i packed all the kids in the car and just drove to the store and bought a scooter so we could have far less drama in our lives each day.  We sooo did not have the money to do this, but I was desperate for peace...And so it goes to this day, he must be busy and he must play, it is in his blood.

 He plays hard but boy oh boy he sleeps hard too and he is so easy to love.  I feel so lucky to be his mom.

Sweet sleepy chad.

Gingerbread and oh so much more.

Thanks so much Norma, it was so much fun!

life is hard

Life is hard.

It seems that so many things have happened lately that have been reminding me that I am sooooo not in control.  I tend to like to think that I am in control most of the time and I believe that I do have control over some things...like, my choices; choosing right over wrong, healthy over fattening.  Choosing running shoes over the couch, oh and allow me to note here, that I'm not saying I always do these things I'm just listing totally unrelated random typical-human choices. Choosing to give service over being self centered, forgiveness over holding a grudge and parenting in patience and gentle guidance over parenting with sarcasm and less than gentle screaming at the top of my lungs... ooops.  I guess totally unrelated and random just went out the window. I do know that these choices lead to happiness.

However, the hardest choice for me is choosing how I am going to respond when things don't go the way that I have planned.

I have been thinking about our dear friends that have lost their spouses; one 8 years ago and one just last month and how they are dealing with daily life now.  I'm sure each of them had not planned on this.

I have been thinking about my nephew and the accident he was in last week.  He is still in the hospital with the hope of recovery after hours of surgery to reattach his scalp and place a titanium rod in his femur and plates in his back to hold it together.  He is in his late twenties, married, with children and no health insurance.  I think of his mom, wife and kids how hard this must be for them. Im sure they had not planned on this.

I have been thinking about a friend with a daughter that has a disease that they are battling and the feelings of helplessness they must experience at times. Im sure they had not planned on this.

I have been thinking about a young man in our ward that fell asleep at the wheel recently.  How in an instant his entire life and his family's life changed.  The miracle that he is alive and his road to heal. I'm sure they had not planned on this.

I think of the family in our ward, that lost their sweet mother a couple years ago, every time I drive past her grave site.  I'm saddened as I think that they must still grieve her absence because I know I still do.

Im sure they had not planned on this.

I think of one of my best friends and her two beautiful boys; one born with cerebral palsy and one with autism.  I think about her full life. Each week, a series of dr. appointments, therapy, and hope for healthy futures with so many unknowns. I know they had not planned on this.

I think of my own life and some not so pleasant experiences that have caused me to ask,"Why? Why this, why now?  How can I get through this? or Will I ever get through this?"

Life never really goes exactly the way that we plan. The punch in the stomach feeling that accompanies these experiences isn't ever easy to endure or overcome.  I have given this so much thought lately and I keep thinking about something Liz told me the day of her husband's funeral. She said something like, the hardest days for them were the days that they began seeing that God's will was to take Tim home early.  It took time for her to submit to it.  She then said..."I realized that I knew I agreed to this; all of this, and that is when the peace started to come." She isn't happy about it, she went on to say, but the peace is there, comforting her and helping her see, that their story isn't over yet. 

Heavenly Father has a master plan and it generally doesn't involve an easy pain free life. He knows what he is doing. Sometimes it is difficult to see, how-in-the-world these experiences can possibly be for our good. An author I love by John Bytheway said this, Heavenly Father doesn't need us to prove to him what we can become, he already knows how strong we are capable of being and all we are meant to become.  What trial does for us, is prove to US how strong we really are and all we can become!

I know for me, after some of my most difficult experiences, my eyes become opened to something new I hadn't ever known before.  Something that changes me and makes me better than I was.  Something that brings me and those that I love, one step closer to Christ, as we lean on our faith. And that is what Heavenly Father is all about.

My Dad said that when things get really bad he knows that's when he needs to just give it over to God.  I thought, yes you are right...then proceeded to be my unrelenting self and said, "But I don't always like what God does with the stuff I give over to him!"  Heavenly Father was looking down on me, at that moment, shaking his head,  just like I do at my kids when they just don't get it. Giving up control, a false sense of control that is, over our lives is humbling and difficult.

Submitting to the will of God is... well... Christ-like.

And, I humbly admit that I want to be like Him.

Dang it.

A little photo surprise.

So I let my kids use my laptop ... let me rephrase that...

My kids take my laptop all the time and use it at will,

tonight as I was scrolling though some photos I came upon these.

Funny boy.