I guess I have always known that raising a boy to serve a mission was sort of a sacrifice on my part. Oddly enough, I have been so focused of all the sacrifices Tanner has been making to be prepared to go that I hadn't fully considered the sacrifice I was about to make. It dawned on me the night before he reported to the MTC. Our hotel room was quiet and dark and everyone was asleep, except me. I could hear all my kids breathing. I have always loved that sound. It has always been such a comfort to me. Its the evidence that they are all there. All accounted for. All happy. All safe. Then it hit me as if I hadn't ever thought of it before... I am giving up my son. Wait. What? This would be the last night, for 2 years, that I would have him with me to see for myself that he is well. I couldn't believe that I was giving up quite possibly what I treasure most as a mother; my comfort of knowing he is accounted for, happy and safe in the very moment I want to know. I love this concept of instant comfort with my kids. This is why they even have cell phones. I know that no matter where they are or what they are doing I can always always always know they are ok. Tanner was away at school and even if we didn't talk everyday I would always send him a text at night and make sure he was alright. I would tell him that I love him and he would send me back a note... "Had the best day ever. I love you mom." Or something to that effect. These words would send me right to sleep. What comfort! What peace! Well, Sianara sweet comfort! Sianara sweet peace! For a few minutes (or hours or maybe it still crosses my mind) I thought, what the heck am I doing? This is CRAZY.
I knew I couldn't stay like this or let my kids see me like this. I knew I needed to pull myself together before morning. I prayed so desperately for peace and for help to somehow get through this next 24 hours in one piece, with some comfort. I needed to know that Tanner was ok; that he was where he wanted to be and that he would be happy and he would be safe. The night was soon over and our day began. Our day was good. We had lots of time together and took lots of pictures. I was going through the motions of letting him go but my insides were screaming that this is CRAZY! I could tell Tanner was nervous too. He was anxious and a little sick to his stomach. He spoke of his friend Max. A friend of his from BYUI. He had entered the mtc about 8 weeks before. Tanner wondered if he was still there or if he had already left for the mission field since 8 weeks is how long missionaries stay in the MTC when they have to learn a language. He expressed his desire to see Max and wished, out loud, that he could be with him. Max was at our home when Tanner opened his mission call and we met him only one other time when Tanner rode home with him over Thanksgiving break. We knew how much it would mean to him to have such a great friend with him on such a nerve-racking day. We longed for him to have his desire but knew that this was something he was going to have to brave alone. We all had a knot in our throats. We said our goodbyes and drove into the MTC to drop him off at the curb. There must be thousands of missionaries at the MTC and 500 new missionaries report to the Provo MTC on Wednesdays every half hour depending on their last name. Tanner's report time was 1 o'clock. There were markers with numbers on them and we were directed to follow the car in front of us until the line of cars stopped. Each spot had a missionary assigned to it that would greet the incoming missionary and host them for the afternoon... meaning take them where they need to go and help them get settled. Its very random how they get matched up. There would be no way of knowing where we were going to stop and who Tanner would be with.
If I didn't know before that there is a God
and that he answers prayers,
I sure know now.
watch this.
Tanner was so so happy. He is where he wants to be and even with someone that he loves.
What comfort! What peace!
I didn't even cry...
at least not until we got to the exit.
I know that our son is in Heavenly Father's care now. I am so thankful that he helped us to see that
in the moment our family needed it most.
11 comments:
AMAZING!!! oh my gosh. This literally is the most amazing, awesome thing ever. This story needs to be printed in the Ensign. that is all.
So excited for Tanner. He is an amazing guy and is going to do just fabulous. His momma raised him well. Can't wait to hear updates. xox
I am crying my eyes out right now! God is good! I have been thinking about you this last week, thinking about how I hope that I can raise my little Jackson as well as you raised your Tanner!! During his farewell Jackson kept telling me how awesome Tanner was to be going on a mission and how he hoped that he could go on a mission just like him! Thanks for raising such a good boy to set a great example to all the little boys in the ward! I'm so glad that he found his friend and that is was such great relief!!
That really is unbelievable. What a tender mercy!
What a beautiful post. I think it's hard to know what it's like until you experience something like this. Hugs to you! You're such a sweet mom.
Well, you didn't cry, but I sure did watching this video!!!! It didn't really occur to me yet that someday Nathan would leave me and serve a mission until Tanner. I've been living vicariously through you. I see how much you love Tanner and it is the same way I love my Nathan. The Lord will bless you and your heart will be mended and full! You are amazing! Go Tanner!
Sara,
What a beautiful experience. Thanks for sharing. Tanner is going to be an awesome missionary. I do have to say watching you go through this experience has completely thrown me for a loop. I know we are a long way off, but watching you and Phil has made this SO REAL!! Evan is the oldest grandson and I know time is going to just fly by. Thanks for being such a great example of a selfless mommy doing what's best for her son. I'll stop crying now and go on being annoyed by my 13yr old,
Sounds like I was not alone in crying over this beautiful post. I love when we have those experiences that show us how very aware God is of us and all we are thinking and feeling. I think I cried more at Tanners farewell than I have cried during a Sacrament meeting in years. I was so touched by the spirit and by how evident the love your family has for one another was. Tanner is going to be a great missionary and he is so stinkin cute! That little chuckle he did at the pulpit during his talk.. I just kept saying- he's so cute! And seeing how touched Chad was while singing... it was just a very emotional meeting. One I will remember always. You have a great family. You've done well my friend!
so glad things went well! Sacrament meeting last week was one of the best I have been to in a long time...we love your family!!!
I love hearing this experience! What an amazing answer to prayer! I might just print this out and keep it in my journal until I need it when sending my son off!
Oh my goodness! I totally started crying! This is incredible. Heavenly Father really knows and loves each of us!
A-MAAAAAAA-Z-I-N-G!!!! Truly and deeply amazing! That is so wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing this, what a tender mercy for your family :) I love this, it gives me something to focus on for my sons too. I am so glad to know your family, you are wonderful.
Aside from the incredible miracle, and even more incredible that it was caught on video, the thing that really got to me (after I was done crying) was the part when Sara was telling Phil how to drive - which lane to get in. I still get those friendly directions from Natalie quite frequently. Love the Holmes Family!
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