Not easy

Sometimes I think about how frustrating it is to be a parent... how difficult it is to constantly do all the things I need to do for my kids to help them make good choices.  I have learned over the years that sometimes I need to let my children make some choices for themselves so they understand what "when you pick up one end of the stick you pick up the other" means.  It is good to help them practice making choices now, under that umbrella of security of loving parents, than it is to think of them making some of their very first choices when they are 18 and on their own for the first time.  Some of the choices they will make at that age have far more serious consequences then the ones they may make at 16, 14, 12, and 10 while living at home. I have to admit though, it bothers me.  I sometimes want to govern every last move my children make.  And I will admit that some of that desire to control their decisions comes from fear of what others might think of me if I allow my children to make choices contrary to what I would choose for them. Now I am not saying here not to teach, testify, or even plead with our children. I would never say that.  I am not saying that when your children are learning how to choose the right that you don't enforce rules in your home.  like it would be absurd to say to your two year old, "I told you once that that stove was hot and now I will allow you to choose weather or not you will touch it ever again." Obviously there are some things that we need to save our children from, for their safety.  And perhaps what I am talking about is more of what a parent may do with teenagers and not toddlers.  For example, sometimes when my children are doing something wrong I walk up to them and ask, "what am I about to say to you?"  and it never fails, they, word for word, recite what I would have told them.  That, no doubt, comes from years and years and years of teaching. I could not have done that when they were small because they really didn't know better then.  They also know that weather I would have said, keep your hands to yourself, stop arguing, or if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all, they know exactly what the consequence are for those things.  With Emily, when she isn't talking nice to her family she knows I will put out my hand and her phone is mine.  She is disappointed in herself for forgetting to obey the rules.  I say to my kids all the time, "I have taught you and taught you... it is now YOUR TURN to obey it or not, but either way you are choosing your consequence; for good, or for bad.

In a talk that General Relief Society President Bonnie D. Parkin gave with the general yw and general primary presidents back in 2004 ish she spoke about just this kind of thing.  She was sharing with us a story about her own son and how she had always taught her children to keep the Sabbath day holy and not go to the store or seek entertainment like going to the movies or anything on that day but to spend it in a restful way with family and serving others.  However when her son had gotten a little older, (late teens, I think she said he was 17) she began to allow him to choose for himself about how he would keep the Sabbath day holy. She figured that by now, the lessons have been taught and it's time for him to gain a testimony for himself.  She said that If she always chose for him then when he was out on his own, what force would drive him to do the right thing?  There wouldn't be any parents there to enforce this behavior.  She realized that if he didn't believe in this for himself, in his own heart, then it is not something he would follow once on his own.  Or in other words, He wouldn't have a testimony of the benefits of following this commandment because he never gained his own personal conviction about why it is important and how living it will bless HIS own life.  Instead he only lives it to please his parents... and while that is ok when children are very small, it is only lip service when they are teenagers. Anyway, Sister Parkin allowed her son, this particular night, to choose for himself what he would do after being asked by some of his friends if he wanted to join them to go see a movie on Sunday night.  It pained her a great deal that he chose to go.  She said to him that she knew that he knew what he had been taught about the Sabbath and what was right.  She said I trust that you will do the right thing but he chose otherwise.

A lot of times teenagers fail to understand the wisdom of the commandments because they lack the experience necessary to gain it.  However, at some point, they must know why to obey a commandment.  They must have that question answered in a satisfactory way for them or they will continue to doubt and rebel against the very thing you want them to do because they don't understand.  Unfortunately sometimes, our children must learn from experience.  This is so painful for me as a parent as I am sure that it is for others. Ideally, I wish all my children would trust me to navigate their lives for them and help them find their way, but not all children trust, and not all children learn that way.

I have to remind myself often that our best example of parenting comes form our wise Heavenly Father.  He has given us our agency.  It is by far one of the greatest gifts he could bestow upon his children.  He loves us so much and wants everyone of his children to return to him BUT he will not force us.  He will never never ever interfere with our agency.  It is up to us, individually, to choose his way over the worlds way.  Just like the choice Eve ultimately made to start this human family.  She would stand still and live forever without progress if she never had to choose something.  At some point we all have to choose if we want to progress!  Heavenly Father will never force us to do his will. But make no mistake, he will never give up providing everything we need to make good choices if we desire it.  He works tirelessly to bring to pass immortality and eternal life of man so that his whole family can be together again with him.

Sister Parkin explained in her training that as her son came home that night and over the next few days they talked a lot about his decision.  She asked him (NOT in a sarcastic tone but a loving one) if it was worth it?  and ultimately her son realized that it wasn't.  Now, she doesn't really need to worry much anymore about what he will choose next time, or next year or even how he will raise his own kids because the wisdom of the doctrine of the Sabbath day is in his own heart not just his Mom's anymore.  I bet there were those that condemned her for her decisions that night to allow her son to choose.  I applaud her courage to trust in Heavenly Father's example at a time when she felt it was right for her son.

I love the primary song, I am trying to be like Jesus, learning to do his will...  I really am trying... but I find more and more that in parenting, I am trying to be like Heavenly Father and It is not easy.